so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
