the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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