I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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