My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
