I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
