the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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