my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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