my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
