I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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