The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
