imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
