I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
