So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
