mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
