you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He passed out mid-signature
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize