My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
