i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
