theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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