So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
