I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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