This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize