I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
