Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
