I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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