u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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