There was a lot of him and a little penis
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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