Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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