Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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