chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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