I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
