I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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