thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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