1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Randomize
