We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
