Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
