i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
