he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i think i just lost a toe
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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