you guys were way drunker than both of me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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