We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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