We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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