Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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