please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
