Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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