her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
