i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
