my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am spending my child support on dildos
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
