Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
