dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize