Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
