Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
