Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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