im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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