apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
