My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my shit smells like andre
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
