Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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