Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
