You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize