There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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