i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
