tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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