I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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