I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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