there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
