My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
