he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
